Intertubes for thee, but not for me

Israeli rabbi to followers: Burn your iPhones

Tens of thousands of black-suited Jewish men gathered in a New York stadium in May to hear some of the community's most famed rabbis lecture on the dangers of what they deemed immoral content accessible via computers and smartphone. The rally was broadcast live to other crowds in stadiums in London and Jerusalem.

Pray tell, good rabbi, what magical technology carried your words from the home of the Mets to your followers across the waters? Instantaneously, even.

If you answered "the internet", the same technology upon which such filth travels, well... no shit!

Meta, very meta

So I learned this, wasting time on the internet:

Scientists, doing as usual the important work of telling everyone what they already know, have discovered that a majority of 18 to 29 year olds who go online on any given day are just fucking around:

The report from the Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project found that on any given day, 53 percent of 18 to 29 year-olds go online just to have fun or pass time.

That should explain all those kitten videos.

The report finds that the amount of time people spend tooling around on the Web doing nothing corresponds with age. Only 12 percent of people over 65 say they went online the previous day for no particular reason. Of those aged 50 to 64, the study found 27 percent answered yes to the same question.

[AP]

No shit, right?

I mean, which one of you is doing your day job right now?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Don't tell PETA

From the masters of the genre:

Teenage Wasteland

It's my sad duty to report that my alma mater is peddling the lowest of no-shit science.

Consider this headline:

Teens with autism face major obstacles to social life outside of school, study finds

Let me see if I can unpack this one: A disease whose defining feature is that it "affects the brain's normal development of social and communication skills" is an obastacle to a teen's social life?

Really? No shit!

Here's hoping that the article itself makes a more nuanced case than the headline.

The study found that conversational impairment and low social communication skills were associated with a lower likelihood of social participation.

Sorry, but no. Evidently it's science now to claim that lacking the tools to participate socially is a barrier to social participation.  I look forward to such follow-up studies as "Teens with severe acne suffer from pimples on their face" and "Puberty causes awkward changes to a teenagers body".

Why do we care?

Tori Spelling's birthday gift to husband Dean McDermott? A love letter. 
The actress posted "A Love Letter to My Soul Mate" on her website on Wednesday.

A woman calls her husband her "soul mate".  No shit!  How does this "dog calls husband 'soul mate'" story rate even the slightest bit of my attention?

I'm inspired to do karmic retribution for even noticing this horrendous excuse for nothingness.  So in that spirit, here's a link to Occupy Wall Street's library catalog. Go, and be inspired.

Late to the party

Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for a TV intern, but now there’s a problem.

Now there's a problem? Really? Now?  Might I be so bold as to suggest that there was a problem when, you know, "Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for a TV intern"?

The last line of the article is also a classic.

As for his new plans to get hitched, Tiki must first untie the knot he created with the mother of his children. The Post reports Johnson, 24, was already making wedding arrangements with the 36-year-old former athlete. Now it seems she'll be making them a bit longer than expected. The couple live together in Manhattan.

How is that interesting, or even relevant?  It comes across as some sort of journalistic knee-jerk (speaking of jerks).  A tic.  A vestigial piece of reporting.

"The couple have cereal for breakfast most mornings."

"The couple wear shoes."

"The couple are embarrassed about their status and have decided to keep their private lives private from here out."

No shit, right?

Get 'em hooked early

[Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz] made it clear that content for moms and babies is preferred because it’s easier to sell to advertisers like P&G. 

I wish her luck, but don't know if content for babies is going to be a growth market for them.  At least not until we get a Fisher Price "My First iPad".