Intertubes for thee, but not for me

Israeli rabbi to followers: Burn your iPhones

Tens of thousands of black-suited Jewish men gathered in a New York stadium in May to hear some of the community's most famed rabbis lecture on the dangers of what they deemed immoral content accessible via computers and smartphone. The rally was broadcast live to other crowds in stadiums in London and Jerusalem.

Pray tell, good rabbi, what magical technology carried your words from the home of the Mets to your followers across the waters? Instantaneously, even.

If you answered "the internet", the same technology upon which such filth travels, well... no shit!

Meta, very meta

So I learned this, wasting time on the internet:

Scientists, doing as usual the important work of telling everyone what they already know, have discovered that a majority of 18 to 29 year olds who go online on any given day are just fucking around:

The report from the Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project found that on any given day, 53 percent of 18 to 29 year-olds go online just to have fun or pass time.

That should explain all those kitten videos.

The report finds that the amount of time people spend tooling around on the Web doing nothing corresponds with age. Only 12 percent of people over 65 say they went online the previous day for no particular reason. Of those aged 50 to 64, the study found 27 percent answered yes to the same question.

[AP]

No shit, right?

I mean, which one of you is doing your day job right now?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Don't tell PETA

From the masters of the genre:

Teenage Wasteland

It's my sad duty to report that my alma mater is peddling the lowest of no-shit science.

Consider this headline:

Teens with autism face major obstacles to social life outside of school, study finds

Let me see if I can unpack this one: A disease whose defining feature is that it "affects the brain's normal development of social and communication skills" is an obastacle to a teen's social life?

Really? No shit!

Here's hoping that the article itself makes a more nuanced case than the headline.

The study found that conversational impairment and low social communication skills were associated with a lower likelihood of social participation.

Sorry, but no. Evidently it's science now to claim that lacking the tools to participate socially is a barrier to social participation.  I look forward to such follow-up studies as "Teens with severe acne suffer from pimples on their face" and "Puberty causes awkward changes to a teenagers body".

Why do we care?

Tori Spelling's birthday gift to husband Dean McDermott? A love letter. 
The actress posted "A Love Letter to My Soul Mate" on her website on Wednesday.

A woman calls her husband her "soul mate".  No shit!  How does this "dog calls husband 'soul mate'" story rate even the slightest bit of my attention?

I'm inspired to do karmic retribution for even noticing this horrendous excuse for nothingness.  So in that spirit, here's a link to Occupy Wall Street's library catalog. Go, and be inspired.

Late to the party

Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for a TV intern, but now there’s a problem.

Now there's a problem? Really? Now?  Might I be so bold as to suggest that there was a problem when, you know, "Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for a TV intern"?

The last line of the article is also a classic.

As for his new plans to get hitched, Tiki must first untie the knot he created with the mother of his children. The Post reports Johnson, 24, was already making wedding arrangements with the 36-year-old former athlete. Now it seems she'll be making them a bit longer than expected. The couple live together in Manhattan.

How is that interesting, or even relevant?  It comes across as some sort of journalistic knee-jerk (speaking of jerks).  A tic.  A vestigial piece of reporting.

"The couple have cereal for breakfast most mornings."

"The couple wear shoes."

"The couple are embarrassed about their status and have decided to keep their private lives private from here out."

No shit, right?

Get 'em hooked early

[Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz] made it clear that content for moms and babies is preferred because it’s easier to sell to advertisers like P&G. 

I wish her luck, but don't know if content for babies is going to be a growth market for them.  At least not until we get a Fisher Price "My First iPad".

Let them eat...

... what exactly?

In Active.com's - and the entire "health" industry's - attempt to garner page views educate their readers, we get repeated advice for how to eat well at America's ubiquitous fast food restaurants.  Some are very good, pointing out counter-intuitive matters like salads having more calories than burgers, etc.  But others, like 9 Better Fast Food Options are just bizarre.

Most fast-food restaurants now offer healthy items on their menus, and even the ones that don't advertise stay-slim meals will usually prepare them for you anyway. Follow our handy cheat sheet to satisfy your fast-food craving for just a fraction of the fat and calories

Let's ignore the lack of a period at the end of that sentence, though I have to point it out, as I'm sure a certain once-and-future Alaskan is either laughing or crying right now.  So what is this great advice?  Let's take In-n-Out Burgers, a personal favorite, and see what the experts recommend:

Ask them to hold the meat on your cheeseburger so it's just a bun with a slice of cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onions.

Save: 100 calories

No shit!

The article should continue, "Then take a five-dollar bill and light it on fire, because that's what you've done.  You've wasted five dollars.  Now hit yourself on the head because you're an idiot who has gone to In-n-Out Burger and ordered rabbit food."

Here's a tip if you're looking to shave 100 calories off you fast food diet... don't bother.  I'm usually a big fan of playing the margins when it comes to food.  Skip the soda.  Don't make it a cheeseburger.  Lay off the ranch dressing.  But if you're going to In-n-Out, get the damn thing or don't bother.

Some Firms Struggle to Hire Despite High Unemployment

Some Firms Struggle to Hire Despite High Unemployment

The jobs require little more than a high-school diploma and fluency in English. They include free accommodation and medical care, and starting pay of about $30,000 a year. Mr. Helliwell speculates that Americans might be hesitant to move to Dubai, where the jobs are based. 'Maybe they have less of an adventurous spirit' given the uncertainties they face at home, he said.

Talk about burying the lead.

"It's those sky high unemployment benefits that are making Americans lazy."

Um, no... it's just that the jobs on offer pay less than those benefits or REQUIRE YOU TO MOVE TO DUBAI! These jobs have economic (and social) costs associated with them that rational actors are taking into consideration. Why can't the Wall Street Journal (of all places) understand that. I mean really, this is no-shit social science.

Ugly brawl mars Jake Shields' win

I went to a mixed-martial arts fight and, um... a fight broke out.

As Shields was being interviewed for the CBS viewing audience, Jason "Mayhem" Miller interrupted him, asking for a rematch. Shields' teammate, Strikeforce lightweight champion Gilbert Melendez, took offense to Miller stealing Shields' big moment, and pushed Miller. Shields and Melendez's teammates got in on the action. Strikeforce champ Nick Diaz and his brother, UFC fighter Nate Diaz, were both seen fighting Miller as CBS announcer Gus Johnson tried to end the fight by yelling, "Gentlemen, we're on national television."

Where's the outrage?!

Jesus Christ is this Dumb!

This is more than supper. It's really an all-you can eat "no shit" buffet.

Study: Last Supper paintings supersize the food

By MARILYNN MARCHIONE, AP Medical Writer Marilynn Marchione, Ap Medical Writer – Tue Mar 23, 7:52 am ET

Has even the Last Supper been supersized?

The food in famous paintings of the meal has grown by biblical proportions over the last millennium, researchers report in a medical journal Tuesday.

Using a computer, they compared the size of the food to the size of the heads in 52 paintings of Jesus Christ and his disciples at their final meal before his death.

If art imitates life, we're in trouble, the researchers conclude. The size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent, and the bread, 23 percent, between the years 1000 and 2000.

Maybe head size has shrunk in a millennium. Certainly that would be more worthy of space in a medical journal.

Supersizing is considered a modern phenomenon, but "what we see recently may be just a more noticeable part of a very long trend," said Brian Wansink, a food behavior scientist at Cornell University.

I've always considered it a McDonald's marketing gimmick, but I'm cynical.

The study was his idea. For biblical context, he sought help from his brother, Craig Wansink, professor of religious studies at Virginia Wesleyan College in Norfolk, Va., and an ordained Presbyterian minister.

The Bible says the Last Supper took place on a Passover evening but gives little detail on specific foods besides bread and wine.

"There's nothing else mentioned. They don't say there's a fruit cup or carrot cake," though other foods such as fish, eel, lamb and even pork have appeared in paintings through the years, Brian Wansink said.

Maybe his professor brother could have told him that there wouldn't have been bread at a Passover seder.  Matzoh, yes.  Bread, no.  In fact, the youngest child of any Jewish family could have told him that.  Well, at least told him in the form of a question.  It's how we Jews communicate.

For the study, he used paintings featured in the book "Last Supper," published in 2000 by Phaidon Press. They include perhaps the most famous portrayal of the meal, by Leonardo da Vinci. Computer technology allowed them to scan, rotate and calculate images regardless of their orientation in the paintings.

Details are in the April issue of the International Journal of Obesity.

The study is "not very meaningful science," said Martin Binks, a behavioral health psychologist and a consultant at Duke University Medical Center. "We have real life examples of the increase in portion size — all you have to do is look at what's being sold at fast-food restaurants."

"[N]ot very meaningful science"?  I hate to bang on the one voice of reason here, but "NO SHIT, MAN!"

A more contemporary test would be to analyze portion sizes in Super Bowl commercials, he suggested.

"That would be a much more meaningful snapshot of how this society's relationship to food has changed," Binks said.

Yep.  And from now on, this is what I'm serving at my Super Bowl parties:



... and in truth, it's only a matter of time before someone comes up with a version that's K for P.

More What?

I noticed something at dinner tonight, and thankfully the Center for No Shit Science's Condiment Expert, Amish Robot, was on the case.

Glance at that bottle and you notice that French's uses the familiar, "Now with x% more!" or "x% more free!" pattern on their bottle design.

Now read the actual label, "40% More than our 14 oz." Oh, I see. The bigger bottle is bigger than the smaller bottle. Gee, thanks for that info French's!

Thanks, indeed. And a hearty, "no shit!"

Truth in Advertising

The fatal attack of a killer whale on its trainer at SeaWorld in Orlando stunned the crowd gathered to watch what they thought would be an entertaining show. But, the tragedy does not come as a surprise to biologists at the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society in Plymouth.

No shit. As a friend commented, "They're killer whales.  It's on the label!"

Listen, I know they can't all be in good taste but this stuff has to be documented.  It's for science.

O'Neill wary of Rooney threat

Martin O'Neill believes Wayne Rooney is in the best form of his career as he looks to his frugal Aston Villa defence to shut out the Manchester United star in their clash at Villa Park.

23 goals in 31 appearances in all competitions. Manchester United's second highest scorer is "own goal".

No shit, M'ON.

Fulham Game Set To Go Ahead

STOKE CITY remain confident at this stage that this evening's Barclays Premier League match against Fulham will go ahead at the Britannia Stadium.

The Club have conducted a review of the situation with match referee Mark Clattenburg and the Police at lunchtime which confirmed that the pitch itself and the footprint of the Britannia Stadium are in good condition for the game tonight (7.45pm kick-off).

City's Chief Executive Tony Scholes commented: "There is no reason to believe that this evening's game won't go ahead at this moment in time."

However, the Club have stressed that they cannot legislate for any sudden change in the weather later today, even though no more snow is forecast.

Unless they're a cabal of super-villans and the pitch at the Britannia is going to open to reveal a giant weather-controlling laser... no shit they can't legislate for changes in the weather!

Cross-posted with Fantasy Premier League

Death becomes him

Ya think?  But if her ever comes back from the dead, I'm sure there will be any number of teams interested.

Flash: Bikinis are sexy

Evidently, The Independent thinks it can work my side of the street.

Hold the front page! Images of bikini-clad women make men more sexist. Steve Connor reports on a new study by Princeton scientists, while Jeremy Laurance recalls the other academic work that told us what we already know

No shit, indeed. But a great opportunity to run an SI swimsuit photo. So great list and welcome to the game, boys.

Nedum to stop and think before speaking

Manchester City defender Nedum Onuoha believes that if City did sign AC Milan star Kaka it would be beneficial for everyone at the club.

So signing the best player in the world " would be beneficial for everyone at the club"? No shit!

Pain lasts long after traumatic injury: study

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A surprising number of people -- more than 60 percent -- still suffer significant pain a year after a traumatic injury in a car crash or other cause, showing the need for better pain treatment, researchers said.

In a study published on Monday in the journal Archives of Surgery, researchers tracked 3,047 patients ages 18 to 84 from 14 U.S. states who survived an acute traumatic injury.

A year after the injury, 63 percent reported that they still experienced pain related to the injury, with most having pain in more than one region of the body.

How is this surprising? Injuries take a long time to heal? No shit!

Cheap traffic whoring

Pun intended.

And this just in! A twenty-two year old woman who can get away with charging several thousand dollars a day for her company looks good in a bikini.

photo courtesy REUTERS/myspace.com