Teenage Wasteland

It's my sad duty to report that my alma mater is peddling the lowest of no-shit science.

Consider this headline:

Teens with autism face major obstacles to social life outside of school, study finds

Let me see if I can unpack this one: A disease whose defining feature is that it "affects the brain's normal development of social and communication skills" is an obastacle to a teen's social life?

Really? No shit!

Here's hoping that the article itself makes a more nuanced case than the headline.

The study found that conversational impairment and low social communication skills were associated with a lower likelihood of social participation.

Sorry, but no. Evidently it's science now to claim that lacking the tools to participate socially is a barrier to social participation.  I look forward to such follow-up studies as "Teens with severe acne suffer from pimples on their face" and "Puberty causes awkward changes to a teenagers body".

Why do we care?

Tori Spelling's birthday gift to husband Dean McDermott? A love letter. 
The actress posted "A Love Letter to My Soul Mate" on her website on Wednesday.

A woman calls her husband her "soul mate".  No shit!  How does this "dog calls husband 'soul mate'" story rate even the slightest bit of my attention?

I'm inspired to do karmic retribution for even noticing this horrendous excuse for nothingness.  So in that spirit, here's a link to Occupy Wall Street's library catalog. Go, and be inspired.

Late to the party

Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for a TV intern, but now there’s a problem.

Now there's a problem? Really? Now?  Might I be so bold as to suggest that there was a problem when, you know, "Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for a TV intern"?

The last line of the article is also a classic.

As for his new plans to get hitched, Tiki must first untie the knot he created with the mother of his children. The Post reports Johnson, 24, was already making wedding arrangements with the 36-year-old former athlete. Now it seems she'll be making them a bit longer than expected. The couple live together in Manhattan.

How is that interesting, or even relevant?  It comes across as some sort of journalistic knee-jerk (speaking of jerks).  A tic.  A vestigial piece of reporting.

"The couple have cereal for breakfast most mornings."

"The couple wear shoes."

"The couple are embarrassed about their status and have decided to keep their private lives private from here out."

No shit, right?

Get 'em hooked early

[Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz] made it clear that content for moms and babies is preferred because it’s easier to sell to advertisers like P&G. 

I wish her luck, but don't know if content for babies is going to be a growth market for them.  At least not until we get a Fisher Price "My First iPad".

Let them eat...

... what exactly?

In Active.com's - and the entire "health" industry's - attempt to garner page views educate their readers, we get repeated advice for how to eat well at America's ubiquitous fast food restaurants.  Some are very good, pointing out counter-intuitive matters like salads having more calories than burgers, etc.  But others, like 9 Better Fast Food Options are just bizarre.

Most fast-food restaurants now offer healthy items on their menus, and even the ones that don't advertise stay-slim meals will usually prepare them for you anyway. Follow our handy cheat sheet to satisfy your fast-food craving for just a fraction of the fat and calories

Let's ignore the lack of a period at the end of that sentence, though I have to point it out, as I'm sure a certain once-and-future Alaskan is either laughing or crying right now.  So what is this great advice?  Let's take In-n-Out Burgers, a personal favorite, and see what the experts recommend:

Ask them to hold the meat on your cheeseburger so it's just a bun with a slice of cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onions.

Save: 100 calories

No shit!

The article should continue, "Then take a five-dollar bill and light it on fire, because that's what you've done.  You've wasted five dollars.  Now hit yourself on the head because you're an idiot who has gone to In-n-Out Burger and ordered rabbit food."

Here's a tip if you're looking to shave 100 calories off you fast food diet... don't bother.  I'm usually a big fan of playing the margins when it comes to food.  Skip the soda.  Don't make it a cheeseburger.  Lay off the ranch dressing.  But if you're going to In-n-Out, get the damn thing or don't bother.

Some Firms Struggle to Hire Despite High Unemployment

Some Firms Struggle to Hire Despite High Unemployment

The jobs require little more than a high-school diploma and fluency in English. They include free accommodation and medical care, and starting pay of about $30,000 a year. Mr. Helliwell speculates that Americans might be hesitant to move to Dubai, where the jobs are based. 'Maybe they have less of an adventurous spirit' given the uncertainties they face at home, he said.

Talk about burying the lead.

"It's those sky high unemployment benefits that are making Americans lazy."

Um, no... it's just that the jobs on offer pay less than those benefits or REQUIRE YOU TO MOVE TO DUBAI! These jobs have economic (and social) costs associated with them that rational actors are taking into consideration. Why can't the Wall Street Journal (of all places) understand that. I mean really, this is no-shit social science.

Ugly brawl mars Jake Shields' win

I went to a mixed-martial arts fight and, um... a fight broke out.

As Shields was being interviewed for the CBS viewing audience, Jason "Mayhem" Miller interrupted him, asking for a rematch. Shields' teammate, Strikeforce lightweight champion Gilbert Melendez, took offense to Miller stealing Shields' big moment, and pushed Miller. Shields and Melendez's teammates got in on the action. Strikeforce champ Nick Diaz and his brother, UFC fighter Nate Diaz, were both seen fighting Miller as CBS announcer Gus Johnson tried to end the fight by yelling, "Gentlemen, we're on national television."

Where's the outrage?!